May 2020

I can remember a few times when time seemed to stop.

Twice when I was on bed rest trying to stop preterm labor.

Once when my dad was critically ill.

Another was fall of 2014 when my daughter was away at Bootcamp (ok, that time was terribly long) I tried to mark the time by using a dry erase calendar system on my wall. It felt good to manipulate the days as they clicked by. The passing of days brought us closer to her completion of recruit training and graduation! I had set up for five months. March, April, May, June, July, and August. By the time we cleared those, she would be safe in her schooling for her Marine Corp position. We made it to June and celebrated big as she was now a Marine after she had completed something that stretched and grew her. It was amazing. We also looked forward to her having a little more access to her phone. We could call her and hear her voice, which helped us to know she was ok.

July…BOOM.  

I was diagnosed with cancer, the c-word. How in the world are we going to navigate this?  Then November Pat had a terrible hand injury. What a long winter that was.

My plans and calendar as I knew it was blown to bits—so many appointments to so many places. I just showed up when and where I was told. The days and weeks were a blur. I forgot about my fun calendar as I had a new type of planner to coordinate all of the information and details. I had to implement a trapper keeper, binder system.

A year later, I glanced over at the calendar. Incomplete. Abandoned. Like time stood still. Part of me wanted to throw it in the trash. But another part of me knew it was important to remember. Remember the feeling of surrender. Being ok. The peace that settles in when you release your sense of control- honestly, are we ever truly in control?

Ironically, I have felt compelled since last fall to the word REMEMBER. Remember the journey to this day. Remember, that even in the most challenging terrain, I was held.

Ironically in January of 2020, I bought a new planner. Something told me to use erasable pens to mark appointments. Since then, I am feeling DejaVous. So many things cancelled. I had a girl’s trip. I had two weddings. I had school groups to mentor. I had a dream road trip planned to celebrate my daughter’s graduation from college. Too many months of nothing.

Now I am setting a more relaxed planning system…wait and see. Hopefully, we will have other opportunities to reschedule important things. I am reminding myself that God is still good. And that this new C-word will not steal more than necessary from us. We will patiently outwait it! We have learned a thing or two about seasons like this. They are disappointing. They are painful at times. But they will not last forever. Right?