Five years ago, last fall, I received a diagnosis that would rock my world. The stats where ugly. The treatment plan that was laid out seemed forever and daunting. It seemed I was walking into a nightmare of unknowns. I am ok with small change, but this had the potential to change, and perhaps destroy everything.
I took one day, one week, one month at a time. Then, mid taxol treatment, my husband had an accident that threatened to destroy his hand. What more?! I can’t do this!! But I did. We did.
I’d love to tell you that this was the last of any drama or pain in our story. Ironically, I thought if I get through the worst of this, then nothing else could harm or distress me. Life happens. It’s never straightforward. There will always be hard seasons of different varieties and degrees. Health will normalize, and relationships crumble. Churches struggle. Neighbors move. Your children navigate hard stuff. Unfortunately, cancer won’t stop the rest of the ugly and hard parts of life. But cancer can help me to persevere. To take one day, one week, one month, one year- 5 years! It helps me to be brave in stepping into new seasons. Granted, it may take some false starts to actually make that big step…but I have learned to muscle through. I have learned to trust that nothing lasts forever. But Jesus is always steps ahead of me and equips me for what lies ahead. I am growing to believe this- even in the hard, sometimes lonely trails. There is a purpose to it that helps me to be stronger and more resilient.
If I trust.
I turned 50. I said it. 5-ohhhhh.
It carries so much weight to it. It’s a milestone I wasn’t guaranteed much less assured I would see. It also looked vastly different from what I had pictured 5+ years ago. It is melancholy with a side of gratefulness. It was quiet and had many emotions within it. So grateful. It makes me thankful in anticipation of the next 5. I am wiser and no longer overwhelmed in fear of missing out. I have been blessed with more than I had dared ask for. My daughters are in college! One graduates this spring. I have seen a dream placed upon my heart grow beyond my capabilities and am confident it will have lasting legacy!!! I have met and lost some beautiful souls in the cancer community and I am grateful to have crossed paths with each one. And I let all of that buoy my spirit into 50. Bring on the next season. The ground is tilled soft and is ready for the new growth.
One step, one day, one week, one month…one season…
I have been still for almost a year since my last post. I have had false starts to posts. Something always stopped the process. We did almost complete our main floor renovation. I had such visions of what the next year would hold. Ironic now. I will share more on that to come.
2 thoughts on “5-50”
Hi Melissa, this beautiful and so true. When you experience something tragic you think “well, nothing could ever hurt like that again. I can handle whatever comes along”. Then life continues to happen and you realize how wrong you are. Then a week after your heart breaks you are still here. After a month, after a year, after six years you are still here – even though you don’t know how or why. I know that God carries us, even when it feels like it is too much to go on. Thank you for sharing your heart
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Thank you, Barb 💞 I know you get it.